I am a 36 year old Stay at home Mom. This is my journal of (hopefully)self improvement. There are many things I feel the need to change about myself. I will also have some average, run of the mill rants and raves thrown in for fun.
I sat down with Michael last night and tried to explain again why I felt the way I did. I explained that while he sees the Confederate flag as merely a symbol of rebellion there are others who see it as a racist/supremist symbol. I asked him how the guys he worked with would view him wearing that ring and he said he wouldn't wear it in front of them. I said If you would have to limit who you wear that ring in front of wouldn't it make more sense to not have that on your ring? He was so much calmer this time around and seemed to actually get that I had very valid reasons for my refusal. He actually said he understood where I was coming from and (mark this in the record books) that I was right. It has been ages since I heard those words from him. I am not sure why he had such a strong reaction at the time of the initial confrontation but at least he was openminded enough to consider my side later in the day. For the record he still will not be getting the ring any time soon.
Since we have moved to this house we have replaced our mailbox at least once a year but it seems more like every 6 months. They are constantly being hit. I am not sure who we made angry this time but Sunday night the mailbox got egged and then Monday night it was smashed. Several years ago I saw these steel inserts that you slip into your mailbox to protect them (and give the passing hitter quite a jolt too) I have looked for them since then and not been able to find them. Today we broke down and bought one of those big plastic ones. 2 different salesmen at Home Depot told us they were batproof so we are hopeful not to have to deal with this situation again. I just don't get the huge thrill of smashing someones mailbox. Whoever got it this time got it well. I am considering setting the security cams on the mailbox so we can at least get an idea if it is someone we know or just random since we are on a main road. One time I was actually outside when it happened but that time it was just some goofy drunk (I think) hitting it with his car mirror and I was just happy it was only the mailbox he hit. I think ours might just be a challenge since it is right by a telephone pole.
I will never understand why I let him get to me. Today it was a mundane issue of looking at high school rings. He wants a confederate flag on the side of his ring. I flat out told him I would not pay for it, that he could choose something else. He got red-hot mad yelling and telling me how stupid I am and that I am the only person in the world who would consider it inappropriate. I said look at the other symbols you can use because I am not allowing that one. He looks through them quickly and says to the Star of David "I am not Jewish” The cross "I don't want a cross” The Mexican flag "I am not Mexican." At that point I looked at him and said "You are also not a confederate soldier, a neo-nazi, a white supremist or a skin head" And that flag has been used to symbolize all those things and is no more right for you than any of the others you just listed. He again told me I was stupid and that all he thought of when he saw that flag was rebellion. (And oh yeah that's appropriate. heavy sarcasm) I told him that I still didn't think that was something to symbolize on his class ring and that even if to him it didn't mean those things that to others that is what it represents and what others would take away from seeing him wearing it. Generally I am not strict about what he wears and feel the people who judge are the ones who lose out; but I draw the line at something that could have him mistaken for a racist and killed. I offered again that we could find another symbol that would work. He said he would just pay for it himself and I told him he would be wasting his money because no matter who paid for it I wouldn't let him wear it. He started yelling so I closed down the website and told him to forget it that maybe we would talk about his class ring next year. He threw the ring booklet at me and it landed on the floor I told him to pick it up and it only got worse from there with him threatening me and Bryan coming down on him pretty hard. I am not sure what is wrong with him today. He just has these moods and today is one of them. I am sure it doesn't help that I am deeply immersed in some gnarly PMS today but this was out of hand. He cannot stand when we exert parental authority over him. It's going to be a long year; I can hear the homework arguments now.
Poor Bryan. Tonight at dinner he is complaining about how badly his head hurts. I think back about today and ask how much soda's he has had. He says just this one. I say oh it's a caffeine headache. He says oh no I had all that coffee this morning. I smile and inwardly cringe. I slipped decaf by him this morning. I get all jittery if I drink caffeine so if I want coffee I have decaf. This morning it was wet and rainy and I wanted coffee so I made decaf. So I didn't tell him the coffee was decaf I just pointed out that on a normal day he would have already had a couple sodas by then so it could still be lack of caffeine. I gave him a couple Excedrin and we sat in the hot tub for a while and he was feeling better. I feel bad for slipping the decaf by him but he likes it just fine if he doesn't know it is decaf.
Around 3:45 this morning I hear this pitiful little voice saying "Mommy wake up I had a Hoooorrrrriiibbblllle dream." So I rolled over and told him Mommy is right here do you want to tell me about your dream? He starts trying to tell me but as soon as he starts talking about it he starts crying and finally tells me "I can't talk about it mom. It is too horrible." at this point I had figured out it was something about losing us because he had a death grip on me. I asked "Did you lose Mom and Dad." he replies "My family....a new family." I ask you got a new family. "I had to. They took me and said I had to go live with a new family." I said "Oh no baby we are your family for all of your life you can never get rid of us. We love you too much." he said "You and Dad just waved goodbye to me." at this point we were both crying and Bryan and I were snuggled up on either side of him loving on him. Heck I am crying just remembering it now. I told him there was no way I would be waving goodbye that I would be running after the car and grabbing him back, that he was mine and nobody else could have him. So then he remade his dream. He said "Ok so now my dream is that you ran to the car, you grabbed me out and gave me bunches of kisses." He was fine after that. I guess I reassured him with that but I lay awake after that wondering why he would dream such a ting. Have all these child abductions scared him? not that I could figure out how he knew of them. Had I scared him talking about strangers? Was this some kind of premonition? Was he upset because he had been really tired at bedtime and hadn't wanted to go to sleep and I had to work hard to get him in his jammies and he hit me a couple times and was upset. Did that make him have bad dreams? Did he think if he wasn't nice I would just get rid of him?
I was telling my Mom the story and as soon as I mentioned him saying we were just waving goodbye to him she knew where is came from. Obviously yesterday morning when he was at her house they had read a story about a donkey who was too old to work so his family had to sell him and he ended up being the donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem. But when the donkey was sold Andrew got really sad and cried a little and the family waved goodbye to the Donkey. She said at the end of the book all he was focused on was that the donkey had to leave his family but she said he didn't dwell on it for more than a few seconds so she never thought to mention it. Sounds suspicously like the dream he described. I would have never thought that story could translate to him having to leave us. I hope he never has another dream like this. I am quite sure it has upset me far more than him. When he got up this morning he really didn't even remember the dream. I will never forget it.
2 days ago I got a coupon for a free bottle of KYliquid in the mail. I mentioned it to Bryan when I opened it, then stuck it in my purse and figured I would pick it up next time I was at the store. Bryan has asked me no less than 6 times if I have used my coupon yet, even though I haven't been out of the house. So tonight he says. "Hey where is that coupon?" He went out and got it. And now he is calling me to come test it. He is such a riot sometimes. :)
Today was the day. Michaels highschool orientation. Obviously new highschool parents also require orienting. What is it about that building that brings out that sassy teenager in me? I was sitting with one of the other moms - a woman I have now known for 9 years but just known her from school. I think we have led parallel lives though. She has a son Michael's age and a son Andrew's age with none in between. She graduated the year after me and we obviously were both a little (ok a lot) on the wild side in school. Anyway back to orientation. So we sat together making comments and cracking up all through the principals (and assistant and assistant vice and superintendant and and and.... the list went on and on) speeches. Actually the super gave a great talk about not believing them when they tell us they don't need them and when we think that maybe we have gone crazy that no we haven't they have. They all assured us that these strangers who have inhabited our childrens bodies will leave and return the loving children we once knew.
It was such a melancholy day realizing my little boy is a highschooler. How the time has flown. As we toured the halls and found his classes I kept seeing these near adults. Then my mind would flash back to the little kid they were when I first met them. I cannot believ how grown up they all are. I remember Kindergarten field trip with them all so sweet and young in 4 short years they will be scattering out in the world all grown and starting families of their own. I get teary knowing how fast those 4 years will go.
On the other hand the school was mostly the same as it was when I attended there. There have been a couple new buildings added and the smoking lounge is no longer a smoking lounge. I am not exactly sure what it is, maybe just a courtyard for the kids to hang at during lunch. I logged many lunch hours in there puffin away. Kissing my sweetie and hanging with the bad kids. Oh I hope my son doesn't take after me too much. Of course between me and Bryan I am hoping he takes more after me. Maybe he will have learned form our mistakes?? It was cute to see the girls all smiling and waving at him. The one who was his girlfriend last year about beat him up every time she saw him she would smack him or lightly kick him or jump on him and hug him. It was so cute to see. This was the first time I had met her. She was adorable in her peppy little cheerleading uniform. Really a cute girl.
Speaking of the cheerleading uniforms. When they were going over the rules they specified that the rule they have had the most problems with students breaking in the last couple years is the no sleeveless shirts rule. I found it interesting that the cheerleaders that performed right before this announcement and the pompom girls that performed directly after it both had sleeveless unforms. Does this strike anyone else as funny? The school rule is no sleeveless shirts but 2 of the school sponsored teams have sleeveless uniforms. I think they might be better able to enforce the rules if they applied to everyone.
yard sale
Bryan is on vacation this week so we had the bright idea to unload some of our junk uumm I mean some of this great stuff that we have crowding our house. All of my baby stuff will be up for sale tomorrow. I guess this is the official end of our baby years. Now just sit back and wait 10 or so years for grandchildren. It was bittersweet pulling out all that baby stuff and knowing we really were through with it all. As far as the sale goes. I am in over my head I have no logical idea what to proce things. It should be interesting and if stuff doesn't sell tomorrow I can reprice for Saturday. Wish me luck getting through this. we have never had a garage sale before.
I just love cuddling with Andrew when he wakes in the morning. He is so sweet happy and loving right when he wakes up. We talk and snuggle and giggle and play around. It is the best time of the whole day. Occasionally he won't call me when he wakes up he will just come find me; on those mornings I really miss the wake up snuggles. I am working with him on his s blends. he can make the s sound perfectly in the middle of words and even at the beginning in words like see and saw but if it is an s-consonant blend he drops the s so around here we leep instead of sleep and his horse is name pirit instead of spirit. While we were playing today I discovered that he could form the blends inside of words like he can say cast with very little trouble. PAT will reevaluate his speech sometime next month since he had speech therapy last year. I am not sure if this is something they will even worry about at this point. I will have to do a little speech research. I lost all my old links but I am thinking that they don't consider it a problem unless they haven't mastered s by 2nd or 3rd grade.
Everything Changes
I ran into a friend I worked with when I was a teacher's aide. She is at the school Andrew will ultimately go to and the school I want to end up at while he is there. So many people have changed there in the few years I have been gone. I would say that 2/3 of the Para staff has turned over. There are only a few there that I know. I find that kind of sad. Obviously there was some huge blow up of some sort and that is why several of them left. There are 4 spec ed classes at that school I am hoping to eventually find a slot in one of them although there are really only 2 that I would enjoy working in I think. I guess we will see how it all plays out. I think I must get my application filled out and turned in soon. I am sure all the full time positions are filled and they don't usually start needing subs until Oct so this should work out well. I still have not officially mentioned to Bryan that I am thinking of going back but I am sure he has picked up on it through conversations I have had with others. I think I am just afraid that if I mention it to him he is going to be all gung ho and I will feel too much pressure about it all.
On a slightly related note I found out that the Speech pathologist at the Elementary, the one who also did Andrew's speech therapy, is expecting a baby. I am so excited for her. She must have gotten pregnant right around the same time that Andrew finished his therapy. She is Due in Oct. I can't wait to go and visit her, I am planning on what we should make for the baby. She will be such an awesome mother. Watching her play with Andrew was very inspiring. She also is lovingly firm, I find that an excellent trait in a parent. I wish I possessed a little more of it.
Why?
Andrew slept in this morning. I generally base my going to water aerobics on his sleep because that is more important to me. Waking him early can cause our whole day to be torture and if he wakes up too early then he has to nap very early for the same reason. So my Mom calls to see if I am going - last night I told her I would call her if I was. I tell her no I don't think so. Andrew had just woken up and we would need to leave in about 15 minutes. She got all snappy with me. "You're kidding me. Why aren't you going this time?" My Mom never gets nasty with me so this was a shock. I explained Andrew had just gotten up and we didn't have time to get packed, dressed, fed and there on time. She gave me a fine and hung up. That is so odd for her. I don't really understand it. My one Aunt who takes the class with her is out of town but the other is there and my Dad goes too. It's not like she had to go alone. It was all very odd and didn't add to my morning much. I am sure she is over it by now but I am not sure why my not going made her angry to begin with. Odd, maybe it is just Monday....
