Money sucks. Plain and simple money just sucks. I hate money. I am no good with money and it just really sucks. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to go back to work. I cannot seem to keep within my budget and so therefore I must go back to work. I am going to call the school office today and see what I have to do to get back to being a teachers aide. I am really hoping my Mom will agree to babysitting Andrew for me. I know that is a whole lot to ask of her but if she won't there is no way I can go back as an aide. I wouldn't be able to afford daycare anywhere else. If she can't handle watching him then I will have to get an office job somewhere. I really really don't want to do that. It is my nightmare to have to do that again. The aide position seems most logical to me. I would have shorter hours than most other jobs. A 7 hour day not including the commute. I am hoping beyond hope that there will be something available at Fox Elementary. That would be the ultimate in good luck (which I seem to have lost lately), Then I would only have a 5 minute commute and that would allow more time with boobaby and allow me to be home just shortly after Michael next year. I hate to think of him having to come home to an empty house but if it is just for a short while it might not be a big deal. I might also be able to convince my Mom to come down and meet him in the afternoons but that would probably get awfully tiring for her. I am not even sure she will be able to handle babysitting Andrew. I keep crying thinking that my goal was to be home with him until he started school. Well he will start preschool next year but that wasn't what I had intended. I cry when I think of having to leave him for the whole day. I know Mom's do it all the time. Heck I did it with Michael and really this would be the optimum job. I would have all the school holidays and a week at Christmas and I think even a week of spring break this year. I would have the whole summer off with him. Really I would only have to work 174 days a year. The truth is I would probably have to start all over with subbing throughout the district and that just really really sucks not knowing where you are going on a daily basis and the pay is lower..... I am hoping that since I had a great work record in the district and that I left on good terms that maybe that will help me get back in with a permanant position. I can only hope. I will ask my Mom this morning if she can watch Andrew. I know that is so much to ask of her. I am not sure how that wuld work out with her water aerobics class and I don't want to ask her to give that up. She thoroughly enjoys it. If there is a way she can work out having Andrew in weecare at the YMCA then that shouldn't be a problem and that might not be too much for her then. She would have pretty much of the mornings taken care of - 3 mornings a week he would be in wee care and the other 2 he would be at preschool so that would only leave afternoons for her. Still tiring I am sure but maybe she can handle it. I don't want to have to work in an office again. I hate hate hated it with a passion. I hated the long hours and the politics. It is an environment that I was very successful in but I hated just about every minute of it.
I cry at the thought of having to leave Andrew of not being able to jump back in bed for extra cuddles every morning; of not being there to drop him off and pick him up for his very first day of school ever. I am so sad that my Mom will be the one to hear about his day and he will have told her all the special stuff by the time I get home and he won't want to tell me. I will miss any little programs he does in preschool...... Damnit the list goes on and on. I swore I wasn't going to miss out this time and because I cannot make a perfectly acceptable salary work for us I am going to. I have come to the conclusion that there are no legit work at home situations for me. That would have been my ultimate goal but I have come to the conclusion that I do not have a skill set that is truly marketable in the WAH world. I was a medical biller in the past and I was good at it but the things I have seen for doing medical billing at home are all just wanting me to pay $1000 to take their course. Not what I had in mind. I would probably need refresher training too since it has unbelievably been 7 years since I did that. I cannot believe it has been that long. 3 years as an aide after that and now 4 years at home. It is unbelievable to me that it has been that long.
I really need to just be thankful for the time I have had. I have spent so little time away from Andrew and I am so happy to have been there for him for all that time. I wish I could make it work but it has been a struggle financially and not fair of me to put that whole burden on Bryan. He has absolutely been amazing for letting me stay home this long and never once complaining that I wasn't bringing in any money. He has never once even hinted that I should go back to work. When we needed extra money he would just take on extra work. How do I ever thank him for the gift of this time with my children? I don't believe I can.
This is a sad sad sad realization for me. Wish me luck in working out the details and being able to get back on at the school. Ugh a world where I have to wear more than sweats and I have to fix my hair and wear make-up daily....Can she do it??? I guess she has to......
I can't believe it is already July. Amazing how time flies once you get older. Not too much has been going on around here. I am up this morning thinking of ways to curb my spending. I am horrible spendthrift and I really must do something. We should have much more money than we do. I have decided that Walmart is my downfall. They get way more of my money than they should. I cannot go into the place without buying all sorts of stuff I do not need. Junk stuff really. The stuff that eats up your money without anything of substance to show for it. I have spent a bundle there this past few weeks but that was from redecorating the bathroom. It looks great but now it is time to put the brakes on. I have a few more decorating ideas but for now I will make do with things I have on hand. The stuff that I bought with these projects in mind yet never seemed to finish them. Now is the time. I have enough supplies for projects that they should keep me from having to buy new stuff. Although if I can get a handle on the quilting I will probably be buying those supplies since I want to do them for Christmas gifts. I think I should also start right now planning for Christmas. This year I want to set a strict budget and actually follow it. In years past my problem has been not setting a budget at all. As far as Wally World goes for now I am starting a list of the staples I need there on a monthly basis and I will set them up in a word document. My goal is to go to Walmart no more than 1 time a month. This would be optimum for me because cutting out 6-8 trips of impulse buying will save me a fortune. I plan to do similar with the grocery store. I am going to start this by taking an inventory of what groceries I have on hand. I hope to keep a running inventory subtracting when I use something and adding when I buy. By doing this I am hoping to stop overbuying things and to stop letting things go bad (mainly meat that sits in the freezer too long for me to be comfortable using it) With an inventory I also think I could work a menu plan around what we have. I want to cut the store down to bi-weekly. With the inventory I wouldn't be wasting money on things I already have at home but can't remember if I have them while shopping. I will know what I have on hand. This will also cut down on the mess in my cabinets from having too much of the same things. These are grand plans I don't think I will get them implemented perfectly but this is the ultimate goal at least.
On to different news. I finally got the boys hair cuts. They look so much cooler. They cut all the blonde streaks out of Michaels hair. I don't think I have seen him with natural hair in 3 years. He wants it restreaked though. What fun. I don't think I do a really great job on it but if he is satisfied I guess that is the important part. I also got my hair cut. I went drastically different. The back is about 3"-4" shorter at the longest point and now I have a bunch of layers too. Some of the layers she cut off 8" pieces of hair. It was a little freaky watching thos pieces of hair fall. I wasn't sure about the cut at first. Well actually I love the cut I am just not sure about the cut on my head. I think it is growing on me though. Putting it up in a ponytail will certainly not be an option anymore; but it looks so much fuller and stylish. Also there wasn't a whole lot to styling it. She sprayed it with a little spray gel and then just combed it into place then finger fluffed it. (She said everyone misunderstand it when she says finger fluff and she gets some mighty strange looks....lol) she used just a dab of regular gel to help train the hair to stay back behind my earbut I should only have to do that until my hair gets used to laying that way. All in all I am excited about it. Bryan gave me a mighty strange look when he got home. He didn't say he hated it but he didn't say he liked it either. He just said it would take some getting used to. Michael was totally against my cutting my hair off. he told me I should just cut an inch off. Of course if I had done that I wouldn't have done anything with my hair besides pull it back in a barrette or ponytail. Another great thing about getting so much of it cut off is I got rid of the majority of hair that was damaged last Feb when I got the double process on my hair. I wanted it highlighted but I had to color out the gray too. So we colored it then highlighted it too. It was looking like straw within a week. I have been doing intense conditioning since then and it had improved some but I still couldn't put a brush/comb through it after washing without some form of leave in conditioner in it. I hated that. I don't think that will be much of a problem now. The funny thing is that I have always colored my hair at home and it has come out in great condition. The one time I have it done in a salon it comes out like straw. Don't get me wrong the whole effect was great when I could tame the stray dry hairs but I hated my hair in that condition.
I came across this link this morning as I was looking for graphics for Andrew's page on my site. I am afraid our house is the first one and I so want to live in the second one. This is what my overhaul is all about.
What House Do You Live In?
"I got two A's," the small boy cried.
His voice was filled with glee.
His father very bluntly asked,
"Why didn't you get three?"
"Mom. I've got the dishes done!"
The girl called from the door.
Her mother very calmly said,
"And did you sweep the floor?"
"I've mowed the grass," the tall boy said,
"And put the mower away!"
His father asked him, with a shrug.
"Did you clean off the clay?"
The children in the house next door
Seem happy and content.
The same things happened over there,
But this is how it went:
"I got two A's," the small boy cried,
His voice was filled with glee.
His father proudly said, "That's great!
I'm glad you live with me!"
"Mom I've got the dishes done!
The girl called from the door.
Her mother smiled and softly said.
"Each day I love you more."
"I've mowed the grass." the tall boy said.
"And put the mower away!"
His father answered with much joy.
"You've made my happy day!"
Children deserve a little praise
For tasks they're asked to do
If they're to lead a happy life.
So much depends on you.
I am going to keep working and someday my home will be so different.
I feel it only fair to link the site I got this from. She has some amazingly beautiful graphics and her kids graphics are just too fun to pass up.
